Becoming the King Chapter 05
Simulant: Toby Shorin
Role: Founder
Company: Other Internet, Care Culture
Guided by: Kristian Michail
Role: Founder
Company: Simulations
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Start Simulation ↓
Reading Time: 35 minutes
In this simulation, a founder is conflicted by his family’s wealth and its psychological effect on his persona in the world. Through simulation, such personal burdens get transformed into public breakthroughs.
① Context
Welcome to your simulation Toby. Do you just want to tell us who you are and what you do in your own words?
I call myself a researcher. I'm also a writer, designer and a kind of bad coder. I founded a research firm called Other Internet. Researching and writing is most of what I do these days and right now, I'm kind of in between jobs. Other internet is what I've done over the last five years. It started as a different kind of consulting business where me and a friend would do product design and product strategy for people in the tech and crypto space. We have different business visions, and I wanted to build more of a research firm and it eventually went in that direction. I built a community of people who were thinking about the same things as myself, which is the relationship between culture and technology and trying to engage with the technology narratives of the last decade, more critically. We ended up doing a lot of work in crypto research on participatory governance of crypto organisations and DAOs. We wrote a lot of somewhat infamous think pieces in the crypto space like Headless Brands, Squad Wealth and Market-Protocol Fit. All were written with our version of events, our version of narratives and what nascent crypto institutions are for. Eventually, we raised money, got a million-dollar grant and had a full-time team. We tried to raise more money but that didn't work. It was a whole journey and eventually, the Other Internet era is slowly ending now. We just published an essay we've been working on for two years. So now the book is the main thing. And yeah, it feels like this research firm has reached its closure. So I've been taking the last four months off basically and I'm starting my new project, which I think you'll find interesting and somewhat unsurprising. It’s called Care Culture. I’m looking more towards wellness, mental health and the consciousness space. A new firm in a new space with a new model.
② Challenge
What is the obstacle ahead of you that you'd want to work on in this conversation? Set us up. What's the main challenge in your world?
Alright, it’s a money problem. The problem is I've always avoided it. It's not something I like thinking about. And I think my fraught relationship with money is related to how I ended up in this situation working in crypto in the least lucrative way possible. I started a consulting firm that evolved into a research non-profit. It wasn't a nonprofit for a long time, but eventually, it became one. I feel like I put myself in this position that I am in in now. I can see that we may have claimed a moral high ground and held a very high line of quality control, a high mark of the integrity of our research work. That high standard was maybe needless in some respects and was prioritised over money making. I've certainly gotten enough faculties with money to run a profitable business, which we did until we became a non-profit. Since our firm turned to a non-profit it's been running only at a loss.
Another related aspect is something that my former co-founder told me, the original co-founder of Other Internet. He told me that I only use my intellect as a hobby. I use it for fun instead of making money. And that's stuck with me for a long time. And I've come to see that it's true. I went so far as to start this crazy research nonprofit, to avoid doing the simplest possible thing, which is just begun a paid newsletter, start a substack and let people pay me for writing. I've never done that. Why is it that I opted to do this whole rigmarole where I write as a loss leader and then do consulting to fund the operation? And like, that's the kind of transactional block. I don't want the writing to be polluted by the money somehow. That's another aspect of this. One of the problems is I've captured very little of the value that I've created over the years and I'm getting to a level of seniority with my work, where the next thing I do needs to be something that's going to sustain me for 5 to 10 years. The next endeavour is a serious endeavour. And whatever it is that I commit to, it needs to be a thing that's going to set me up for my 30s. I'm 31. I need to resolve this and think about how to make money more of a priority, which I've never made it to be. It's always just been something like if I can get enough of this to get by and do the stuff that I want to do, that's fine. But that's not a viable solution at my age now.
③ Character
So when your co-founder gave you the feedback, what's the criticism that you gave yourself? If you could label yourself a character in your relationship to money, in two words, what are you?
I’m a Trust Fund Kid. This is what I feel so guilty and annoyed with myself about.
So throughout this next part, I'm gonna refer to you as Trust Fund kid. Are you cool with that?
Do it.
All right, Trust Fund Kid. Who are the people in your world that are reflecting this criticism on to you? Who is making you feel this way? Where is this tension coming from?
It's my peers who I feel somewhat competitive with. People I came up with in my scene who have also come from relative privilege and went into the startup world, into the tech world and pursued much less interesting things. But they made it interesting for themselves and they made a lot of money in the process just doing normal tech stuff. I didn't do that. But I'm both envious of them and I live in fear that they will find out why I've made the decisions that I've made. I especially live in fear that my former colleagues, the people who I hired to work at Other Internet, will find out my background. I paid everyone very fairly, we all took a flat salary. I worked hard to make sure people got paid. We were working at this crazy internet collective non-profit so none of us couldn't make that much money. I worked very hard to make sure that if I was ever discovered to have this big safety net, I could never be accused of taking advantage or incurring risk on others. I feel safe because of my background. That was the thing I was most concerned by or that felt like a lot of pressure last year or during the last year. Also thinking clearly for myself, I'm 31 like, I have a girlfriend, I want to have kids in like four or five years. I literally couldn't do that right now with the money that I have, and I'm going to have to.
I get those feelings of fear. I also hear shame about being exposed and the pressure of being accused of untoward business practices. Are there any other feelings that are there for you right now in this moment?
It's more like the opposite of shame, but it's a feeling I would like to have. I would like to have pride in having built something that sustains myself. And I mean, I've been independent my whole 20s. My dad always tells me, we're very impressed with you for running your own business because I haven't worked for another man for seven or eight years now, but I don’t feel I have broken through. I feel proud of my friends, whom I said I feel somewhat competitive with, because they went through this very hard period of working in startups and even though they came from privilege, they earned the assets that they have. I want to feel that way about myself as well. And that's important for this next stage, I want to feel pride in the security I can give myself.
④ Facts
🅐 Doing
So Trust Fund Kid. What are the things that you're doing right now in your life? We're looking for doings, like the actions you take and the moves you make as this character.
What do I do as a Trust Fund Kid? I spend money without really thinking about it that much. I dress well, I buy expensive clothes, I buy expensive versions of things. And the biggest one is that I pursue a weird career unlike anyone else around me, for years at a time even when it looks like it's not working and I hit my head against the wall until it does. I do cool stuff with cool people. I try to give opportunities and resources to people younger than me also.
Anything that you're not doing as a Trust Fund Kid?
I'm not working for other people. I'm not learning that much about finance and wealth management. It took me quite a long time to put money in index funds or whatever. I'm not hanging out with people who I think are boring, or basic. Although this has been changing, I'm not having conversations with people about money. It’s harder to come up with things that you’re not doing than things you are. I'm not asking my family for money. I'm not travelling the world like a fiend either.
🅑 Having
Okay, cool. Let's look at the havings now, the things that you have Trust Fund Kid. The outcomes, the results, the realities, the actualities. The things that you have in your world, with your money, your career or anything thats connects to this character.
I mean, I've become a very strange person. And largely I like who I've become. Because of my crazy career, I have such a weird set of experiences that most people my age don't have, and I'm very grateful for them. I have a lot of stories.
I have a girlfriend who shares a lot of my perspective because she has a kind of similar background as me and a similar relationship with wealth is me.
I have several close friends. And then this group of people who I came up with in New York who I have this kind of fraught relationship with who are my friends but who I feel kind of distant from.
I have enough income to take another three months off if I have to, but I can't move beyond that. I'm living off my savings at this point. I have enough money to have taken six months off. But no more than that.
And I certainly wouldn't do that if I didn't have this overall sense of security from my family background. I have an overall sense of security that is basically what enables me to take risks like I have been taking with my career. That's the biggest thing that I have about this topic.
Thanks for being so authentic and honest. What are the things you're not having? You don't have?
I don't have enough money to buy a house. I don't have the funds to buy a car. I don't have meaningful investments. I don't have a lot of personal assets, especially compared to my peers.
I don't have career security because of the weird path that I've taken. It'd be very hard to go back to employment. It'll be very hard to go back to a normal job at this point. I'd have to find a very special job if I were to work for someone. So I have to keep doing this weird self-made career thing. I feel I'm kind of locked into this pathway. I think that's everything.
🅒 Being
Let's look at the ways of being now. Who have you gotten to be Trust Fund Kid? What are the ways of beings that have consumed and coloured this character? Not necessarily how you feel but ways you get to express yourself in the world.
I try to be completely honest all the time.
I do things my way. I'm trying to put this as a way of being. I've quit jobs and I've been fired before. Which I think speaks to a level of youthful arrogance, which I hope has levelled out into something related to this honesty thing. Basically, how can I put this, the being is basically like other people have to earn my respect, and I'm allowed to act that way.
So is that stubborn, is that selective, is that headstrong?
Selective is a good way of putting it.
I'm somewhat distrustful but also very loyal. Yeah, I don't know. I kind of associate this with money. You know, I won't subject myself to another person's will if it doesn't make sense. And this is why I would get fired from companies, it’s because I can't respect other people's authority. And I don't have to. It's like what I deeply feel.
Is that sovereign?
Self-sovereign is an interesting way of putting it.
Your way of being is sovereign?
Sure. Let's let's try it.
I’m just throwing words around and seeing if they stick.
I should be able to figure this out. Let me think about this. Self-directed is the closest I've gotten so far. You’re getting close with sovereign but maybe a better word will come later. Self-directing is an obvious way of being I see that links to that.
Okay, that's cool. Self-directive. How about your way of being with family relationships?
I would say, standoffish with my family. It's not completely estranged, but standoffish. Especially with my extended family, like cousins and stuff. Another thing is I have an exclusionary and judging side. But it's the same side that expects a lot, and has high expectations. Judging and excluding is like the perverted version of expecting greatness or something. I mean, you said selective earlier and that really kind of got it.
It doesn’t need to be a perfect list. As long as you feel the impact of being Trust Fund Kid as a character, then it will give you access to seeing possible limitations moving forward. All I want you to experience is how you’ve wound up being in this moment.
Hmmmm. I am feeling it.
One to add to the previous list of beings is interesting. I get to be interesting.
What ways are you not being as Trust Fund Kid? These may be opposites, they may be ways you don't get to be or ways you try your hardest not to be. Or they might even be ways of being that you'd love to be that you don't get to be in this current character.
The not beings are practical or pragmatic.
I've mentioned I have this overall sense of security, but then there's a feeling of deprivation. Recently somebody did this kind of alternative Tantric Dakini Tarot reading for me, and I was asking about my relationship with money then this card that got pulled for how the future is going to be. It was the horseplay card, which essentially means freedom, strength and energy in the field. And that's how I want it to be. I know I'm smart enough to figure this shit out and it should be really easy. Like a lot of other stuff is pretty easy for me to learn. Money stuff should be easy. I should be very good at it, like any other thing.
Masterful would be a way of being that I don’t get to be.
Anything else?
I want to be a king.
I felt that. I'll make a note.
⑤ Choice
Let's slow it down a bit now. I'm also going to try some things and experiment with you. We’re going to simulate and go places I don’t take every person because it requires a certain level of authenticity to go there. I feel like I can do that with you. Let me just gather my breath.
Yeah, take your time. No rush.
Ok. What's the opposite of a Trust Fund Kid?
The opposite of a Trust Fund kid is like a second-generation immigrant. Somebody whose parents sacrificed a lot for them to have something and whose parents are super intense. They're very focused on financial success and they just can't stop themselves from grinding out their life. Because they've internalised not only their guilt towards their parents but also their parent’s striving nature. There is a lingering feeling that they will never have enough. That they’re always one check away from being you know, like destitute. It’s a fear mindset. Thats the opposite.
So how could you put the opposite of Trust Fund Kid into two words?
Deprived Striver
So, if you became a Deprived Striver would that get you what you want? With having a wife, your own family, financial success, and being proud of yourself. Do you think that character is going to get you there?
Absolutely not. I mean, it might make me masterful at money, but I feel like I would have to sacrifice a lot of the other things I like about myself. I mean obviously, I can't just become that person. But that person doesn't have a lot of the things that I have.
What are the things that you want that you think just don't correlate with Deprived Striver? List them off.
Let me think about this. The self-directedness is one of the main things. Also the generosity of spirit that I mentioned. I like trying to lift people younger than me and give them support. I want a generosity of time and just a general feeling of spaciousness. I just don’t see this thing being possible with a Deprived Striver. That character may be able to provide for wife and kids, that's for sure. That's one thing that the deprived striver would be able to do.
Is that enough for you though?
No
Great. It's clear that the opposite of Trust Fund Kid is the Deprived Striver, but that is not going to give you what you want. So let's go into a new space now. What comes up as a possibility for you of another character that inspires you? I’m looking for two words. You said before I want to be a king, correct?
Yeah, that's what’s coming up for me. Yeah, maybe there's only one necessary word.
I’m going to suggest interplays that might inspire you further. Is it Sovereign King, Selective King, Directive King, Interesting King, Practical King, or Masterful King? I’m clear King is the core of this possibility, however, I’m just pushing to see if there’s more.
Right now I feel like Hamlet more or less. I’ve crossed over to some other Dutch countries and started some wars over there in some weird far-flung land. My own family doesn't really understand what I do and my extended family who are the super wealthy ones, more or less just tolerate me because they don't understand what my path is about. So I'm sort of like a Waylaid Prince effectively, just out there doing stuff in the world. Being the king would also mean embracing the responsibilities of being royalty, embracing certain responsibilities and administrating my domain. That's kind of the essence of what I don't feel like I've been doing properly. Correctly administrating or operating my empire.
Got it. So it is Masterful King?
Masterful is okay for now. I might come up with a better one later, but that still resonates.
⑥ Simulation
Now, get relaxed and close your eyes. Let’s take a deep breath.
At the start of the conversation, you said you've experienced feelings like envy towards your friends and fear of being exposed as a Trust Fund Kid to your peers. You also shared some shame around your parents who have given you a lot of support but in my own words, you still feel you haven't delivered on the promise yet. Can you nod with me if that's resonating? If not you can shake your head.
My parents are really proud of me, but I feel I haven't delivered.
Okay, got it. Can you just go to a time right now, it may be the earliest or maybe even the most potent memory, a time when you felt like you didn't deliver. Maybe it’s a time that you felt pressured. The immense weight and pressure of the world. There may be shame at this place or fear at this moment. But go to that time or place. Nod when you're there, don't rush it. Just allow it to surface, feel it when it arises.
Yeah, certainly. I can't even think of a specific moment, but this experience that’s coming up that just happened many times. It's my grandfather. He used to do this thing with the grandchildren where he would interview us. And kind of grill us on what we’re doing and stuff like that. There are many interactions that I’ve had with him where he effectively made me feel stupid for making decisions that I've made in my career. Those were shameful experiences. His general presence is what has created a lot of this pressure.
So where are you feeling that pressure in your body? If you can pinpoint then emotion in your body, what is that feeling?
It's sort of like my head is getting staticky and kind of like blurring out like. My visions getting blurry or something like that. Because I'm also getting kind of indignant and angry. It’s like I have to avert my eyes that's how it feels. I have this kind of head cloud that I can't see through and I have to look away. Overall, it's a hot feeling. Like instead of just my face getting flushed, it feels like my whole body.
Great. Thanks for sharing so courageously. You feel pressured. Your words are taken as stupid. It was maybe the first time you felt pressure to live up to something and you didn't deliver. Let’s press into that feeling of being ashamed with your grandfather.
Let's go to a time and place, it might be that very same moment with your grandfather or might be somewhere in the future, or it might even be in this moment now.
Masterful King, go to that place where you're in conversation with your grandfather and if you could say something as a Masterful King and express something aloud vocally, what would come out of your mouth? Maybe you do something physically. Maybe you don't say anything at all.
I would sit down at the same side of the table as him and ask him more questions. Ask him how he runs his fiefdom or something. There's not a way to respond adversarially to my grandfather. That's not the correct move. The correct move is to form an alliance.
An alliance. Got it. That's powerful. Asking questions of the king of your family on how he's runs his kingdom. Let’s go somewhere else now, go to a time in your life where you were being a Masterful King. A moment where it's undeniable this character was alive and nod your head when you're there.
I think Benevolent King is actually what I want because King and Masterful are kind of redundant. It's really Benevolent King. I think it's more a relationship that makes me feel this way. And there have been lots of great moments in that relationship.
The moment I'm thinking of is when a friend and I were driving around in New York. He's a person who is kind of trying to escape the Deprived Striver mindset and trying to become a king in his way. And he was just ranting about all of these ways that he's been overlooked and stuff and I was kind of just there to hear him. And we've had many conversations like that, but this was the first time I felt like I earned his trust. And after that, it's more of a relationship thing, but he never fails to remind me how I've opened doors for him and have provided him with resources and stuff when nobody else could do that. And it's one of the most meaningful relationships like he's my friend and he's also a little bit younger, like, I'm not a full mentor, I'm too young to be a mentor to him, but we just have this relationship where I've given him a lot of access to spaces and credibility that he may not otherwise have had. That relationship stands out. It feels like that's one in which I've had to come into my own to have been able to do that in a way.
Beautiful.
Let's go somewhere else now Benevolent King. Let's go a year from today. You are a Benevolent King. The transformation is real. The miracle is alive in your heart. It's undeniable. Where are we? What's happening? I've got my own visions as I'm connecting to this possibility, so it's a strong resonance. That’s a good signal when consciousness merges and unifies. It can happen when a simulation is really potent.
Anyway. Go to a place a year from now and your kingdom is alive and real in the world.
A year from now, I hope that I'm still with my partner.
And a year from now, I want to be living in California. In an apartment with my partner that is even better than the apartment I have here in New York which she calls my cloud kingdom. I want us to have our own cloud Kingdom. I want her to feel sure that the risk I'm taking on by starting this new venture is not that risky. I want to feel like I'm just handling my shit.
I want to be connected with the financials of my business and be purposeful. I'll have mastery and a clear plan for growing this business. I have earned the respect and trust of the people who I’ve met in California. That involves me approaching them trustfully and respectfully, with all confidence. As opposed to distrustfully and suspiciously which is how I tend to approach people in New York. I've established trustful relationships of mutual respect and admiration.
This would feel like the miracle is alive in my heart.
⑦ Action
If there's one action you could take right now Benevolent King that would kick start the miracle, what's the action that comes to mind, something you've never done before that if you leapt into it'd be a real big step into the future. A step forward that you could take this week, today, or even in the next hour? Maybe it's a month from now. But it’s a clear action.
Hard to say
I rarely do this, but I’m to make going to make a suggestion. You cool with that?
Sure.
Okay great. To be a king, what does the king need more than anything in the world?
People. A king needs his kingdom, all the people of the realm and he needs his court.
What makes a king a king?
Besides the divine right to rule?
Think of a chessboard.
His queen? I don't know, I'm kind of guessing here, none of these things feel right. I'm not sure what you're getting at. He needs an army basically, he needs might.
You mentioned the word Queen. There is no kingdom without the Queen. I may be overstepping but what came to my heart as you were saying this was a King needs a Queen and the only thing that's going to build the trust long term where you build a kingdom, is for something to happen. Marriage. It's like kings and queens get married first before they get the kingdom. Marriage is the word that came to my heart. I wouldn't have expressed that if I didn't feel safe to even share that with you.
That is my hope Kristian. That's my intention. I have to play my cards very carefully for that to happen. But I wouldn’t say that that’s the main thing that would help like secure this state of being next year or the kingdom. I really want that to be the case but I need to do some kingdom-building separate from her to make that happen.
Got it. So marriage is beyond 12 months for you that's maybe somewhere in the future.
I would love it to be 12 months from now. I am down but like I feel more confident in the relationship than she is so it's kind of complicated.
Okay, I got it. But your face lit up when you said you would love it if marriage happened within the next 12 months. So it seems like marriage is the miracle on the cards, where if you got married, you’d be like ‘yeah I’ve built the kingdom’. I don't want you to think how you’re gonna get to marriage right now. I just want you to feel in your heart that would be a miracle if you got married. If we were married in 12 months, it’s sounds like that would be an actual miracle for you. Your face lit up and softened. The body reveals the truth. I’m just challenging you to stretch yourself a bit, you know, and not to get too rational and logical about it. Allow your heart to go where it wants to go. So it can speak its wisdom into your world.
I mean, I really want that because, in a way that’s what I want to build all of this for, that's why it's worth building a kingdom. It is one of the things that’s kind of forcing me to take a harder look at my relationship with money. Having somebody that I'm serious about is amping the stakes, so you're not entirely wrong. Even If we were either even living in the same house in California in a year, that would be a miracle. Marriage is unlikely.
But you still said you'd love it to happen. If it did happen, you'd be like, “fuck yeah.”
Yeah, I would be.
Okay, cool. That's all I was asking, which is great. Because now you have this distance between your rational mind saying it's probably unlikely but your heart saying it would love for it to happen. So that's for you to sit in the mystery of that Benevolent King. Are you cool with that for now?
Sure.
⑧ Integration
There's a final place I want to take you because I think I've taken you everywhere I feel we need to go. This is an opportunity for you to thank whoever you need to thank, either aloud, or within yourself, for what you just experienced. It might be to a higher power, it might be God, it might be yourself or a loved one. But just take this opportunity to thank whoever you need to thank that this simulation is alive and real for you and that the Benevolent King is alive in the world and has been alive in the world all along.
Yeah, well first I want to give thanks to my grandfather. A kind of hard-ass king, but a benevolent one, who sets a pretty high standard for what a king oughts to be. And to my family in general who have instilled me with a sense of benevolence and who see privilege and benevolence as very related ideas. Also to my dad who is retired and living out his retired kingship in great style.
I'm also thankful to God for so many moments in my life that have little to do with kingship and have a lot to do with benevolence and grace. For so many experiences that are so valuable to have had in my life regardless of whether I have a kingdom or not.
I'm also grateful to myself for having the courage to pursue this weird path and not being like my cousins and committing to much more normal things. The strange experiences and wisdom that I've accrued through this journey, I wouldn’t trade for anything int the world.
Okay, well I'd say we're pretty much done with the simulation. Are there any final comments that you want to express? Now that your eyes are open, is there anything else that’s there for you worth sharing?
No, it's nice to have this language of Benevolent King and there's a lot more possibility to explore the question of what is needed, and what would be needed to have that in the coming year.
The way I see it, God says you are now ready to be a Benevolent King. He will start telling you what to do if you start listening for his guidance. So it's not something you need to solve right now, but the problem solves itself by stepping into the possibility of this character and allowing God to work his magic. I see an actual conversation with your grandfather. I see a level of intimacy where you can ask questions of him as the King and say, ‘Grandfather, I'm ready to be a King. I want to learn from you, the King of our family, what is it going to require for me to lead a kingdom.’ You can build a close direct relationship and create a miracle there. You can also do that with your father and say, “Dad, I'm ready to step up and be a King. I've been a bit of a Waylaid Prince up until now. I’m ready to learn and to serve. Show me the ways.” I’ve found getting humble with my own father to be one of the greatest miracles of my world. And trust me, I’m probably one of the more arrogant, defiant people you will ever meet. Especially in allowing my father’s wisdom and contribution. Our conversation started in shame around you feeling like you have not delivered on your potential, but also wanting to feel a sense of pride for having monetary success. However, neither shame nor pride is going to get you what you want. Pride will have you disconnect from your Father and avoid your Grandfather because it appears too agonising to ask them for help. Ironically, the pride of not connecting with them is linked to the same shame of feeling like you have fallen short. Pride and shame are basically the same thing with similar outcomes. So I see a possibility for all kings-in-training to say ‘Hey, I'm not the King. I haven't been the King but I'm ready to become the King. Show me. I want to learn from the best”. It’s humility of the highest order. I can almost guarantee you that if you enter that conversation from that place, your grandfather and father will love to help you become a king. They've probably been waiting their whole life for you to come to them and hear that from your mouth. All they’ve probably ever wanted is for you to grow into a king since the day you were born.
Yeah, it resonates. It's quite daunting to think about approaching my Grandfather in that way. I know. I can have that conversation with my Dad.