① Context
Brooke, do you want to do want to tell us a little bit about yourself? In your own words, like who you are and what are you creating.
I have lived a rather unconventional life. It's really fun for me now that I'm on this professional arc, going to conferences, and building events. My favourite question is to be asked ‘So what is your background?’, because then I usually laugh and say, well I was a heroin addict for about 10 years. And then I graduated to Crystal Meth around the time when I fell on the streets, homeless in Los Angeles.
I spent roughly two and a half years in there in the abyss, but I had a series of experiences that sort of crystallised earlier insights that I had made in life, and I allowed them to become embodied in a way that they had never been before. I came out of that rabbit hole just like a new person. I think it's fairly similar to the you know, being born again, kind of thing that people have with religious experiences. It ended up being an inadvertently spiritual experience for me, and since then, I have just been on this upward trajectory starting from zero.
I mean, I had a backpack and a cat in my early 30s. I was rebuilding a relationship with my parents from scratch. I started with real basics, like food and sleep, and then making friends on the internet followed shortly after and then I went on this whole multi-year side quest of like, well, I'm enjoying making friends on the internet. Maybe my IRL friends want to make internet friends with each other too. Maybe we should all get together which is sort of led me into like the pop-up city network state space and it’s just kind of still going. This get-together turned into a thing called Vibe Camp, which was founded out of thin air.
That's incredible. What a miracle. Thanks for being so honest. So what is Vibe Camp?
It started as a gathering for people who already knew each other and had existing relationships on Twitter to meet each other in the real world. And that hit a chord, but now we have grown past that. So the second one was last year, and I think there's a real kind of tension there because there were some amount of people who were going there to deepen existing relationships and then there were also many new people there who didn't have any existing connections. And so that's sort of like something that we are navigating as we move forward. What is this becoming? It is sort of the gathering for internet weirdos is one way that I describe it. One of my big motivations is I have a lot of friends who are rationalists, who are effective altruists who are working on AI safety research. Basically, a lot of phenomenally smart and talented people who are often just deeply anxious and depressed. So you know the name Vibe Camp is like I want to take these introverted people and put them in an environment where like ‘oh, it's okay to vibe.’ You know, it's okay to make friends. It's okay to have fun. Yes, do all the smart things and work on difficult problems, but also, I’m nudging people to build a sort of more robust social fabric in their own lives, and take breaks when they need to and have a good time.
② Challenge
Now the context is set, let’s proceed. Is there a challenge that you're working through, either professionally or personally, that’s worthy of an hour of your time? Something dear to your heart, that if you could kind of get some traction by the end of this conversation, would be awesome. Whatever you choose will be the basis of the simulation.
Yeah. So the the two things that come to mind first as far unanswered questions in my life sort as my life is nearly perfect. These two things are something I haven't figured out yet. One is a life partner and the other is how to make money doing what I do sustainably. I think I am close to having an idea to solve number two, but less so number one.
Which one would you love to work on today? Where you could explore it without any preconceptions of what could happen?
Oh, man, well, I kind of made a soft pact with a friend to start a group chat where we were both going to work on our dating docks today. So that is not at all what I came into this conversation expecting to talk about, but that is something I'm planning on doing later today.
All right. So you wanna you want to explore your love life?
I mean, if that is on the table, then I would be a yes to that. It didn't even occur to me that we would be exploring something like relationships.
Of course, it’s on the table. Relationships are an act of creation. Some would say it's the greatest act of creation, the source of all creation. To procreate with another is what makes life possible. I speak to super-smart founders daily. They are very cerebral. It’s common for their whole frame of consciousness to be consumed by the project or the venture they are in. However, disconnecting from the heart of other areas in their life can suffocate flow at work. A work focus is all good and well, but many financial or work breakthroughs can arise by exploring non-obvious realms that seem off-script and unrelated. What’s the reward for taking this risk? A huge revelation in one area of life will cascade into others, catching people by total surprise. The intimate details, of let's say a relationship, which are the core of a person's heart, if it gets dealt with and explored in simulation, can open up extraordinary possibilities in work or money. It’s ironic. It's counterintuitive. It’s magic. Relationships are not a common place people go because it's private. It feels risky and unsafe. Plus there are always concerns about other people, their privacy and any fallouts that may rock the boat. But you are safe here, and you can choose what you want to speak about and what gets shared with the world.
I don't know where this conversation gonna go, but I’m excited.
Excitement is a strong signal you’ve chosen your character wisely.
② Challenge
So, what is the specific challenge? What do you feel like it's not working in your love life? Give us a bit of a rundown what are you are you up against here.
A few things.
I dated somebody from around 19 to 29, So a significant amount of time. And I think that was a very healthy relationship for a lot of it. I thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. From then and where the course my life has taken me, I am 36 and single. A lot of people my age are married or polyamorous which isn't the direction that that I think is right for me. So that's one thing is that the dating pool is already kind of limited there. I've tried to date some younger people and they tend to lack the life experience that I require. I also have pretty high standards. I have done a lot of work on myself. Sure, there is a lot left to learn still. But my twenties was about becoming an expert in various fields. I joke about this, but one of them for me is definitely my introspection. I’ve gone to hell and back, so I’m pretty adept with shadows and blind spots. I don't see myself having a thriving relationship with somebody who hasn't done that kind of work. And it is somewhat rare. I haven't honed in on what I am attracted to also. I have a rough idea of preferences, like the body type or face that I like, but it's hard to describe in a way that helps my friends matchmake me with someone. Plus there can be somebody who looks different than my preference, that I just have immediate chemistry with which makes it a little harder for me to pinpoint exactly. And then one more thing. With my founding of Vibe Camp, there’s this leadership position in some of the communities that I am in. A leader dynamic has developed and it would be hard for me to date within that community. I want to approach a relationship as equals and I think a lot of people pedestal me in my leadership position, and it’s not the vibe I am after. I need to be seen as who I am, not my role in the community.
Cool. If you could criticize the dating pool in two words as if they were an archetype or character, what would these candidates be?
Well, I’d want to be dating a Whimiscal Scholar of sorts. But if find myself surrounded by something entirely different.
Without sugarcoating it for yourself, what is the criticism of the dating pool you are surrounded by? At the subconscious level, you have a label for these people and it’s running the show.
Well, I think avoidant is one word. The word rationalists is another. This is kind of combining two different archetypes a little bit, but they both speak to the challenge I face. These people are Avoidant Rationalists. It’s a paradox.
Paradoxes are amazing. They point to the truth. And the truth is you are not vibing with this kind of people. And the irony is you run a thing called Vibe Camp. So let’s get you vibing. If they are Avoidant Rationalists, what does that make you?
Earnest Romantic.
I am tentative to be very confident in this because think this character is somewhat mood-dependent. And if you asked me at a different time on a different day, my answers might be different, but okay. So maybe I should think about what I would say if I were feeling more confident.
The way I see it, all that matters is this moment. Your mood yesterday, or tomorrow is irrelevant. There’s wisdom in the present moment. We’ll get to the most confident character later. For now, can you sit with the character of Earnest Romantic?
Yes. I think Earnest Romantic is a growth edge for me. There are times when I am free to be my truest self and then other times when I like somebody, I find myself also getting a little bit avoidant. So there is something unresolved in this dynamic that’s worth exploring.
Good stuff. I’m going to refer to you as Earnest Romantic from here on out. Cool?
Cool.
Great, let’s proceed.
③ Character
What are the things that you are doing day to day as an Earnest Romantic? These might be the actions that you take or things you do.
Yeah, well, oh, gosh, maybe I shouldn't have chosen this. If there's somebody I enjoy spending time with and I find them attractive, I tend to invite them to things.
I make little bids towards them. Maybe I'll sit a little bit closer to them, or see if they sit a little bit closer to me.
I largely operate through observing any sort of shared body language, or in physical chemistry. Like dancing. I’ll see if there's anything that comes up there.
I occasionally swipe through dating apps. And that is getting less and less frequent as time goes on. I can’t be sure if they are people that I would vibe with because I just can't get that read from their profiles. It's not usually very fruitful.
Very occasionally, I will see somebody's tweets and think that like, you know, maybe there could be chemistry and I will try to arrange a Zoom call or see them in person at some point, but that doesn't happen very often.
I am very rarely ironic on my Twitter account, maybe occasionally, but almost always I’m fairly earnest. I tend to not follow the very ironic accounts. Every once in a while, I’ll let out the more emotional romantic side, the dreamer side on Twitter, but not quite as often as I used to.
There’s another thing I can do like I did this weekend. I sent a very long message to somebody whom I had an on-and-off fling with, a lingering crush of sorts. I just completely laid my heart on a platter in this message. So I'm getting a little bit better at just sharing my feelings.
Okay, great. What are the things you're not doing as an Earnest Romantic?
I am not complimenting people. I do compliment people, more than average, but I am still not telling people as freely as I’d like, particularly people that I'm attracted to. Like sharing the specific ways in which I feel warmly about them. That's that's something I'm working on. I've overcome a lot of my avoidant tendencies, if I'm interested in someone, I still don’t want to be a bother and manipulate them into liking me. So I tend to distance myself a little bit more than I would with my existing friends.
We are looking at the havings now, Earnest Romantic. What things do you have in your world? These might be physical things or more ephemeral. Maybe they're emotional, but they're things that you have that are obvious.
There's a book that I have called The Book of Flying, which I got in high school that I read out loud all the time. My first relationship was with a girl and she and I would read it out loud to each other. She ended up getting a tattoo from it later. I also read it out loud with the guy that I dated for a decade. Early on in our relationship, he had alcohol poisoning. I was in the hospital with him and I sat and read it to him for eight or nine hours straight. It's one of my favourite books to read out loud and it's come in and out of my life several times. It's very just poetic prose. Kind of like a beautiful fairy tale for adults. I also have Pico who so is my cat.
I have clothing that I have bought on various trips with Twitter friends, that every time I wear it makes me think of them. I also have small gifts that people from along my journey that I cherish. I also have a tattoo, which is a drawing from a journal of a journalist named Dan Eldon, a photojournalist from Kenya who was stoned to death in Somalia when he was 22 by a mob reacting to the UN bombing. There is a book about him called The Journey is the Destination. He was one of the most phenomenal humans I think, that I've ever heard of. I also have a deep sense of wonder for magic and delights in the world.
What don’t you have Earnest Romantic?
I don't have someone that I feel called to message about the little dumb things throughout the day. Whether they're silly things I said or inconsequential things that no one except someone who was in love with me would care about. I don't have somebody that I feel good about regularly cuddling with when I would like oxytocin and to regulate with another human being. And I don't have the self-assuredness to be that fully romantic person all the time.
Cool. What ways of being in the world have you been expressing in the world? These are the colours that consume your character. Romantic is one way of being but what are the other ways of being that are there for you? Colourful might be a way of being for you. You do have pink hair.
I feel often called to a sense of being whimsy and whimsical. I carry a large amount of curiosity. I also feel sort of adjacent to everything. I feel like I have one foot in a lot of different worlds but not one real flag in one clear world.
If we're not sticking entirely with the positive descriptors, then anxious. I am still working on sort of getting a handle on my anxiety levels. I’m sensitive, very sensitive, like tastes and light and sounds and stimuli. All types of emotions, I feel very strongly.
What about ways you are not being or ways you don’t get to be?
I try very hard not to be cruel. I don't know that I am 100% successful. That is something I actively try to avoid. Some people are very good at engagement farming on Twitter and a lot of that comes from them making the kind of jokes that you can't make if you're just trying to be earnest and honest. I’d say they are sarcastic and I’m not that way inclined. Also,
I think there are a lot of things that I could do to gain prominence or status or money or whatever that require not being earnest. I’m not interested in compromising my essence for those things. I don't think I'm very reckless. I think I think I was at one point.
⑤ Choice
Let’s pause for a second. How are you currently feeling?
I am feeling a little bit anxious. Like there's some amount of dialogue in the background of my head of like, that asking am I wasting your time? Is this going to be useful for anyone?
Let’s take a deep breathe together and slow it down. When you are ready, get as comfortable as you can and I’ll get you to close down your eyes. You mentioned you were anxious. When was the most potent time, either recently or early on in your life when you felt that way? Take a moment and take yourself to that place. Let me know you have arrived.
The one that comes to mind is this weekend. There was someone who came back into my life that I had a very powerful, intense week with a couple of years ago and I've seen him a couple times a year since then. I tend to get over him and then see him again. And he acts in a way that is confusing and ambiguous towards me and the raw feelings kind of come back. And that came to a head this weekend. I misread some signals and spent a few days very keyed up about it, instead of talking to friends about the situation. I then sent him a long message that I that I told you about and I think I'm still sort of in the process of regulating the fallout from that.
All right, given that you experienced that on the weekend, and given that you are an Earnest Romantic, what you say the opposite of your character is?
Sarcastic is in there. And rationalist, because for me that embodies the opposite of romantic. So I guess Sarcastic Rationalist is the opposite.
Cool. You mention that one thing you want is someone who loves you so much that you can text in the day about the silly little things and they love you so much they’d appreciate every text. I get that’s what you want. Will being a Sarcastic Rationalist in response to the dating pool get you want you want?
I think there are some ways in which people tend to be drawn to complementary types of people as opposed to similar types of people. I feel like those very sarcastic, analytical, and not very romantic people. That’s why the word rationalist keeps coming up as a red flag. They are not very earnest. So I don’t want to try and match that energy and compromise. It’s just not me.
I’m feeling there is an overall sense of coldness there which is not the vibe you are going after.
What I would like to be is a Radiant Goddess. I don't really embody the stereotypical femininity very well and sometimes I would like to.
I noticed electricity in your voice and softening in your face when you said that. So are you happy to upgrade your consciousness and choose Radiant Goddess as your character for the next part of this conversation?
Most definitely.
⑥ Simulation
Great. Keep your eyes closed. Take me a time and place where you undeniably felt like you were a Radiant Goddess. Paint the scene for me, as vividly as you can.
Yeah, I'm with the only person in my life who sort of filled a guru role for me. He played the part of spiritual teacher, part personal villain but also a very big source of growth for me. I looked up to him a lot. He saw something in me that no one else had ever seen before. And, and it felt pretty powerful. I was with him and an older friend of his, and we had a threesome. It was my first threesome with two men and my first threesome ever. And it was with two men. And I mean, they just worshipped me. And one of them was like painting me sometimes and the other one was serenading me and we danced the night away. I've never been worshipped in that way before. It was, it was a powerful experience.
Got it, Thanks for sharing so openly. Okay, we're gonna go somewhere else now. Can you go to a time, somewhere in the far distant future, where you feel like Radiant Goddess is alive and real? What has happened to confirm this possibility has eventuated?
I think I would be publishing something about my life in an authentic and extrapolated way. Like really sitting down and writing out not just my experiences, but my life philosophy in a significant way. So that I am more known in the world.
Cool. Let's go to a year from today. What would be a miracle if it eventuated in your world, Radiant Goddess? Even if it appears bordeline impossible, what would be a miracle that would defy the impossible?
Oh, yeah, this would be like a front-page cover of a magazine. It's sort of like a fantasy in the back of my head that some journalists may only care about Vibe Camp and then, learn about my backstory, and then want to interview me for some large-scale feature article. If that happened, that feels like a very very far-out thing that’s likely to happen in the next year to make me feel like a miracle has happened. There's something in there that I am not super comfortable with facing around like receiving admiration from a wider pool of people. A Rolling Stone piece would be out of this world.
You mentioned this as a fantasy. I want you to get back grounded into Radiant Goddess. And just starting to feel what is real in your heart. When I hear the word fantasy being spoken, it doesn't always feel grounded in the most authentic truth. If you can feel what an actual, beautiful miracle would be, right now now in this moment, I can promise you it won’t feel like a fantasy.
I mean the first thing that came to mind was just feels like the boring answer, because it's what we've been talking about this whole time. But just like meeting somebody that I fall head over heels for and it feels very easy. And it just works.
Why is that the boring answer?
It feels it feels like the expected answer.
I see something funny happening. As we speak, I am writing a chapter on you for this book. You are already living out the very miracle now, which you mentioned was a fantasy. You are being featured and published for the world to see. Your story is being told. I just think it’s a funny irony to point out. Rolling Stones or not, Radiant Goddess has entered the building. I’ve gone off script here, which is always where the miracle happens anyway. I am just pointing out what I feel miracles are. They are not this thing, far In the future, that needs to happen at a later date. The irony of miracles is they're already happening now in the present moment. And until you witness the miracle in the present moment, you'll never experience the miracle in the future because the future doesn't exist.
Wow! Yes, yes. Thank you for pointing that out. I think I have sort of been going through this feeling like this is probably going to end up being mortifying. These things feel very kind of like embarrassing and vulnerable.
And even more ironically, you want to be with someone who embraces the fullness of your divinity. You wouldn't want to be with a man who wouldn't embrace you, Radiant Goddess, in all your glory.
If you fear that Avoidant/Sarcastic Rationalists would laugh at this, then that is a good signal. Because they probably will. But who gives a shit? They don’t care about you anyway, so why do you care? You don’t want those people anyway. If anything they seem like the complete opposite of what you want, which is probably why this cycle of being around these cold types of people has become exhausting too. You are exactly where you want to be at this moment. You want someone who wants your divinity, Radiant Goddess. Correct?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Correct.
As I embody Radiant Goddess, what I want is someone very intimate. The mental image that I have is us standing on a clifftop overlooking a war-torn world wearing battle garbs or something. I am doing life with someone that I admire and who inspires me. I find that attractive. Where we stand on the edge of the world together.
I love it. You can open up your eyes when ready.
⑦ Integration
What action can you take to jumpstart this miracle?
I said at this start that I have this soft pack with a friend to start a whatsapp chat on dating. There is also writing up a dating doc that captures like spirit. But that doesn't light up my face the way some things have. So it may not be either of those in truth.
I would feel proud of myself if I carved out the time to write up a 10-minute talk that I can start giving locally to practice public speaking. I think I think I would feel I would feel pretty good about myself if I did that.
Awesome. That last one felt inspired.
We are coming to an end now. I invite you to give thanks. I challenge you to express your gratitude aloud, verbally in words, to anyone or anything that has made Radiant Goddess possible. It may be a friend, yourself, a higher power or even God. Speak to that person, as if they're here in the room now.
There are a few. The one I am settling on for the moment is a friend named Metavor, which is his anonymous Twitter name, who was one of my best friends in college. And after I got off the streets, I started trying to reconnect with my old friends and I was still kind of insane and hadn't fully integrated back into the normal human world. He was one of the only ones who stuck with me. He helped me a lot in my early healing stages. And he just kind of always believed in me. Yeah definitely him, I want to thank him for like believing in me when no one else did.
Pause. What are you feeling right now?
Love.
Pretend and play with me. If you could verbally say thank you to him, as if I were he. What exactly would you say?
Metavor, it is indescribably powerful to me the fact that we have maintained a friendship throughout both of our various cycles of struggles. And there is something deeply magical and deeply powerful in your heart. And I have such faith in you. And I hope that one day I can do more to repay the faith that you've always had to me. Even when it was not very logical or rational to have faith in me.
Also, I feel like cheating a little bit. But I do want to thank you. I think it was important that you pointed out that's kind of like what's happening here. My like, crazy fantasy, which now feels grounded in a miracle that’s happening in front of my eyes.
I appreciate you. I appreciate your courage. I appreciate you mentioned your drug addiction and all the messy stuff without hesitation. Your courage is going to impact the hearts and minds of many people, I can assure you. I've personally gone through on my spiritual journey to try and find myself. I explored everything: sex, drugs, and rock and roll — all to no avail. My twenties were an absolute mess! My relationship with addiction has been fraught. I spent a decade dancing with the devil, so I know his ways very well. For the first time since a kid, I feel free from his grips. Thanks to God. That’s where I'm at in my journey. I've developed a personal relationship with God, the Lord as my saviour. If you had caught me speaking like this a year ago, I would have told you I am crazy. My personal relationship looks like prayer and Christ is someone I’ve become very connected to. It was completely unplanned and is the least rational path in the whole world. Paradoxically, it’s the only path that now makes total sense. My name is Kristian after all. I lived in total oblivion about my name, the prophecy of my naming in general and the destiny for most of my life assigned at birth. I have come home to my name and creator. It’s been a miracle to say the least. I’ve felt your pain throughout our chat. I am also very inspired by the joyous light in your being and what you are creating in the world. I love when a man can sit together with a woman and just talk platonically. Especially in a safe, sober, respectful and authentic way. It’s rare for this stuff to happen in the world. Two strangers, peers and equals, just having a real conversation about their world. It’s beautiful. It’s what fellowship is all about.
Thank you so much for thinking of me and for taking the time to do this. I realize we went we went well over time. I appreciate you for sitting with me. I don't think I've ever had anybody, like stop and do breathe work to help connect to deeper feelings and visions before. That was very helpful.
My only last question to you is like, do you believe in God?
I don't. I'm not antagonistic towards people who do or the concept of God, I wouldn't say that I have a personal relationship. I think what kind of happened in high school is I realized it would take some pretty strong faith-based decisions to go there and that doesn't sit well with me. I would need some kind of evidence and I like I am kind of like beyond that. It's not even worth spinning over in my head. I'm never going to come to like a very satisfying conclusion. Therefore I would like to wait and see if I see miracles happen. But that being said, I do feel like I have a sort of deeply felt sense of something spiritual. There are no practices that I follow. But I think there are somewhat similar feelings, even if I'm not speaking to anyone about it.